The American Dream Turned Selfish

In America, many say, “You don’t choose your family, but you choose your friends,” as though friends are more valuable because they have willfully supported you rather than done so out of obligation. In most other countries, family is not considered a burden, it is a gift. This cannot be seen any more than in China.

In America, one of the biggest compliments a family member can give another is, “you are not just my family member, but also my friend.” In China, it is the reverse. Children call men whom they respect “dad” or “uncle” and women whom they respect “mom” or “aunt.” Much older men and women are called “grandpa” and “grandma.” In America, preteens resent their parents for not giving them enough autonomy. In China, adolescents live with parents until marriage and are grateful for the creature comforts life at home provides them. In America, as most know, 50% of couples with or without children, divorce. Parents force their sons and daughters to spend their childhoods shuffling belongings between homes. In China, divorce is unheard of.

When the Chinese make any important life decisions like looking for a job or a spouse or a home, their families are always their primary consideration. Young Chinese adults want to live at home and commute to their universities instead of living in dormitories. Occasionally, if a professional or educational opportunity is extraordinary, young adults will move to different cities than the one in which their parents reside but it is extremely rare. In America, children often place their parents in nursing homes when they are no longer self-sufficient. In China, when parents are no longer self-sufficient they without question move into the homes of their children. Nursing homes do not even exist in China, they are unfathomable. Americans make tentative plans afraid to commit in case a better opportunity arises. The Chinese do not understand the concept of tentative plans. If you want to spend time with someone, you schedule a place and a date. The Chinese follow through, without exception, unless there is an emergency. In China, flakes do not have friends.

I believe the reason Americans prioritize the self over the family goes back to the ideology behind our constitution, that every man has the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Individuals believe they should not be prevented from striving for their dreams by anyone: the family, rigid social hierarchy, socioeconomic status, etc.

The ability to pursue your dreams unconditionally goes back to the American definition of freedom. Freedom to stand up for what you believe, freedom to be who you are, freedom to challenge social norms- basically, the freedom, to always be yourself, no matter what. We have so many rights in comparison with the Chinese, let alone Iraqis, or Afghanis, or Sudanese, yet we still ruthlessly complain. Many of the complainers do not even vote because the “system” is flawed, and “what difference will my vote make?” they ask.

While first-generation immigrants appreciated the ability America gives its citizens to improve their situations, working hard to realize the American dream. Now, it is taken for granted by so many. American teenagers procrastinate on homework and other responsibilities, spiting their parents for making them go to school. Many of them defiantly take off to Europe with a backpack. People take advantage of the welfare system having more children to get more money. When people get raises at their jobs and no longer qualify for government provided health insurance, they don’t report their raise to the government.

Sure there are philanthropists, and political activists, and children with merit-based scholarships. I am not discounting the exceptions, but there has been an overall transition in the mentality of American society. The way we think about the things we’ve been given. We hate America, but we don’t want to live anywhere else. We disrespect our families, and are disappointed when they fall apart. We reject society, and pity ourselves when we don’t fit in. Maybe if we all started working together some of the personal problems we face would be solved too. Then we would have better lives as a community, and as individuals.

You may be thinking I’m cynical, but I am not the only one who has called American citizens to take accountability. Like Obama said in his speech to the NAACP, “Yes, government must be a force for opportunity. Yes, government must be a force for equality. But ultimately, if we are to be true to our past, then we also have to seize our own future, each and every day.”

He said the way individuals, families, and America as a whole will grow is by forming communities. He said by reaching out to one another “we can reclaim the strength and the determination and the hopefulness that helped us come so far; helped us make a way out of no way.”

From living in China and Spain, and travelling to over fifteen additional countries, I have consistently seen this communal bond he was describing. Nowadays, most Americans do not even know their neighbors.

Travelling to experience this bond is beautiful, but it is even more beautiful to bring back what you have experienced and try to make it happen at home. As Obama said, it really does begin with the smallest of tasks: getting to know your neighbors, spending time with your family even when there are other things you might rather do, making plans with others and keeping them. You will not change America, but by raising the standard, your family and friends (at least the ones that matter) will be forced to meet it. And hopefully, will begin to appreciate it too.

Understanding Other Cultures

Individuals generally categorize their beliefs into one of two groups: opinion or fact. A fact is a piece of information that is accepted as definitively true. An opinion is a belief that leaves room for contemplation.

When individuals grow up they are taught which pieces of information are facts and which ones are opinions. They think about these opinions, trying to find their own belief within them, but it never occurs to them to go through this same explorative process with “the facts,” they’ve been taught to accept. They are what they are, end of story. As a result, what many do not realize is there are very few actual facts. This can be seen by venturing into other countries and observing that the “facts” upon which other cultures live their lives are completely different from their own. This concept is one that is discussed in a variety of disciplines including: anthropology, philosophy, psychology, linguistics, and literature, but it cannot be fully grasped until delving into another culture.

Even in America, where all the major cities have miniature versions of countries, multicultural diversity is embraced at universities, and citizens are taught from birth that “we are all created equal,” there are ways of living we have failed to consider. For example, in America bestiality is culturally and socially beyond consideration. In rural parts of Northern Colombia, men are taught to engage in intercourse with donkeys starting from the time they become pubescent and extending into old age.

Many people believe that by traveling to another country: interacting with its people and learning about its history that they can come to understand its culture. But culture is not defined by characteristics, but is as deep-rooted as perception. What certain cultures accept as fact, what they accept as opinion and why. Without realizing it, much of the way Americans perceive is attributed to the protestant foundation of the country. What shapes the way a culture perceives the world cannot be attributed to one tangible factor, it is attributed to countless influences that are often so diffused into the mentality of its people they are not even acknowledged. It is an overall environment, approach, and way of thinking that becomes engrained in the people emotionally and logically.

In China, when explaining certain American cultural customs or mentalities to the Chinese they never fully understood. It was not because linguistically, I was unable to translate. It was because to understand these concepts, they needed to re-define pieces of information they had always accepted as fact as opinion. The potential of needing to redefine truths upon which they’d lived their lives bred so much discomfort that they did not allow themselves to even consider the possibility. This resistance arouse in the presentation of “facts” from as arbitrary as how often utensils should be washed to when it is and is not appropriate to express emotions. Once when I was living with a host family in China, I told my host mom that the Spanish eat lunch at three p.m. She screamed back at me “three!” then said “NOOOOO.” I said in a calm voice, “yes, three.” She held up three fingers in my face and repeated “threee!!!.” I said “the Spanish live very differently than the Chinese.” She rolled her eyes and with doubt still lingering, I dropped the subject. The Chinese do not understand the concept of subtlety. In America, if someone looks weird you quietly whisper or motion to a friend and then your friend discretely looks as though he's interested in something near by. In China, they point usually screaming meiguoren (american) to all the people they're with. Then, they stare ...for as long as they want. Sometimes they even take pictures, without asking. Americans might think its rude to point, but the Chinese don’t understand why you would subtly reference.

The inability to fully understand the way other cultures perceive creates misunderstanding and misinterpretation. But, do not fear! There are ways to achieve a more sincere and deeper understanding of different cultures. The first is to realize the depth to which people vary culture to culture. The second is to learn the language. While many of the Chinese I encountered resisted to the consideration of American mentalities, with an understanding of why they were resisting (a feeling of discomfort) and my gaining a knowledge of Chinese traditions, I was able to guide my Chinese friends to consider not necessarily a “right way,” but just a “different way.” This would not have been possible without a respect for the deep-rooted differences in perception that define our cultures or an ability to communicate with them in Chinese.

Language Confidence

Every language-learner longs for the moment when they feel totally confident in their second language. I have personally yet to reach that point in Spanish or Arabic, but I took an informal poll of some of my friends that are fluent in their languages. Those that learned English as a second language mentioned that they had begun learning at a very young age and felt confident by their first or second year in school. They would often go to Kindergarten and first grade and speak English in the classroom and then come home to their family and speak their native language. Maddie, whose second language is French, explained that she felt that she had reached fluency when she stopped feeling the need to translate everything into English to fully comprehend the meaning. Many also noted that having dreams in their foreign language showed that they were able to understand it unconsciously.

So readers, when did you begin to feel confident in your second language?